New Year – New You?

One of the morning T.V. shows is using the term New Year, New You as their tag line. The first time I heard this, I thought, what? Really? Just because it’s the beginning of the year, why do we have to start off like it’s a new page, a new life, a new beginning?

I’m so sick of that thinking. I don’t like to put that kind of pressure on myself. Why are we so programmed to think that on January 1st we must go on a diet, start a new workout routine, put money in savings, get to bed on time, go to the doctor, get our teeth whitened, etc, etc. I really don’t like New Years resolutions. They never work.

But, I do like goals they act as a guideline, so that we have direction. But resolutions are a recipe for failure.

So please set your yearly goals. The good news is that you don’t have to achieve them today, you have all year.

Last week I decided to take a vow of NO GOSSIP. We had given a lecture the week before and addressed how poisonous gossip can be. While I was delivering the lecture I thought to myself, humm you need to take this seriously. How can you give this advice and then actually gossip again? So after the lecture I thought about it a lot.

Whenever I caught myself talking about someone in a not so flattering manner, I realized it didn’t feel so good. I do remember at one time it did feel rewarding to tear someone down behind their back, but when did that change for me? When did it start feeling so wrong? I’m not sure when I began to tire of gossip but I think it’s somewhat recent.

Growing up my mother and her two sisters were relentless gossips, they talked about everyone. They would clamor on in a nasty judgmental way as they went down the list of people they knew. No one was sacred, anyone that came in contact with them was up for scrutiny and would eventually be cut down about something, it could be their hair, it could be their teeth, their lack of money or they may have had too much money. They would say things like; How could she wear that? He should lose weight. What was interesting is that most of what they were saying was out of habit, once they labeled someone as fat, lazy, ugly or cheap that person didn’t stand a chance of overcoming that image. They became labels and the same comments were repeated week after week so that these comments became their reality about those they talked about (which was everyone). No one grew in their eyes, my cousin Beth was fat no matter how much weight she lost. She was a chubby child and they could never see her in the present.

I was aware that they were not being nice, but at the same time they seemed to be having fun, and I received approval from them if I participated. I wanted to be loved by them and I wanted their approval. If I participated the world felt right they loved me and I was accepted for that moment.

It took me years to unlearn this behavior. But occasionally I do run into people who seem to relish cutting down others and will approve of me if I participate. It’s familiar territory, it can feel cozy and safe and fun while it’s happening, just like it did sitting in my aunt Edie’s den all those years ago.

I’m still keeping my vow of No Gossip, lets see what happens in week two.

I just read an article that sites good listening as a key skill for effective managers. While the premise is valuable, the article lacked specific examples of how to listen. And that, in my experience, is the problem.

How does one learn to be a good listener? Where is that taught? When I got my masters in counseling, we had to take a course called Empathic Listening. There, we were shown how to mirror a person, how to reflect back what we thought they said, and how to ask open-ended questions. Do managers ever receive that kind of training? Would they want to practice those skills?

I’m going to seek examples of good listening today and jot them down so I can offer concrete scenarios to anyone who wants to listen. 🙂 Do you have examples of good listening in your life?

When one door closes another opens. Change is good. Isn’t that the wisdom people give you when things are not going your way? I know this wisdom well, I say it all the time to everyone around me, but enough is enough. How much change are you dealing with?

For me, so many things have gone away or changed in some way and I find myself out of my comfort zone.

I left my gym after 8 years for a variety of reasons, my hairdresser upped his price to an unreasonable amount, I could go on and on but I don’t want to bore you.

I’m beginning to get the picture that change is the new norm for me, at least for the next year (because a friend told me that capricorns have a year of constant change this year). I want to get comfortable with change, but then I would have to let go of knowing, and that’s so hard for me.

I guess it also means that I have to give up CONTROL. I have been reading a lot about letting go of control and being in the moment. It helps for a little while.

So while I let go of control, and let go of things I am comfortable with all around me, I am excited to see what is in store on the other side of all this change. But, in the man time I feel like a small child waiting to be a grown up in control of my life, Oh wait I am the grown up.